1 00:00:01,767 --> 00:00:04,725 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 2 00:00:40,047 --> 00:00:42,515 - What is that thing? - Astroglacier. 3 00:00:42,687 --> 00:00:46,316 Allotropically modified, surrounded by an envelope of luminous gasses. 4 00:00:46,527 --> 00:00:49,519 Thanks! That's most helpful. 5 00:00:49,687 --> 00:00:52,599 - What is it? - To you, a big iceberg. 6 00:00:52,807 --> 00:00:56,846 I studied them in the Corps, but I've never seen one up close. 7 00:00:57,007 --> 00:01:01,558 Isn't it incredible? Look at those crystalline formations. They're faberoo! 8 00:01:02,247 --> 00:01:05,284 You think sciencey stuff's really interesting, don't you? 9 00:01:05,447 --> 00:01:10,123 I bet at school you always had the right pencils and impossibly neat handwriting. 10 00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:15,919 I bet you can tell us the average rainfall of the oil-rich lowlands of Venezuela. 11 00:01:16,087 --> 00:01:18,282 No, I couldn't. I've no idea. 12 00:01:19,287 --> 00:01:21,278 OK, 3.4 inches. So what? 13 00:01:22,767 --> 00:01:24,883 Unlike you, my greatest accomplishment 14 00:01:25,047 --> 00:01:29,518 isn't a line on a loo wall marking my highest-ever pee. 15 00:01:29,727 --> 00:01:33,800 I'll have you know, ma'am, I too possess qualifications. 16 00:01:33,967 --> 00:01:37,039 What qualifications have you got, meat-tenderiser-head? 17 00:01:37,207 --> 00:01:39,596 I'm a fully qualified Bachelor of Sanitation. 18 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:43,885 You may not know this, sir, but I completed my course at Toilet University, 19 00:01:44,047 --> 00:01:46,436 where I studied the lavatorial sciences. 20 00:01:47,727 --> 00:01:51,083 Toilet University's a piece of software, part of your core program. 21 00:01:51,287 --> 00:01:55,644 I had a written examination to indicate the program was successfully installed. 22 00:01:55,807 --> 00:02:00,801 It was most interesting. Did you know that the first siphon and valve flushing system 23 00:02:00,967 --> 00:02:04,277 was patented in 1778 by Joseph Bramah, 24 00:02:04,447 --> 00:02:06,915 whose U-bend curvature equations are still... 25 00:02:07,087 --> 00:02:08,600 - Kryten. - Yes, sir? 26 00:02:08,807 --> 00:02:12,436 Can this story maybe wait? Ideally, until after I'm dead. 27 00:02:12,607 --> 00:02:16,156 Speaking personally, I hardly didn't get no formal education at all. 28 00:02:16,327 --> 00:02:19,046 - No kidding, Professor. - No, it's true, bud. 29 00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:23,485 That's why sometimes I don't know stuff, like... well, practically everything. 30 00:02:23,687 --> 00:02:28,715 - Is it because you brought yourself up, sir? - Right. I had to teach myself. 31 00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:33,438 And as I didn't know anything to begin with, lessons were long and slow, 32 00:02:33,607 --> 00:02:36,246 especially on Thursdays when I had double nothing. 33 00:02:36,447 --> 00:02:39,439 So what do we do about the ice? 34 00:02:39,647 --> 00:02:41,797 Well, water supplies are low, ma'am. 35 00:02:41,967 --> 00:02:44,765 If the ice is uncontaminated, it might prove useful. 36 00:02:44,967 --> 00:02:49,245 - OK, standard SEP scan and log. - Locking on. Scanning and logging. 37 00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:52,800 Extraordinary. 38 00:02:52,967 --> 00:02:56,596 - What is it? - Something's buried in the astroglacier. 39 00:02:56,767 --> 00:03:01,124 Some kind of object. It's huge. Just processing. 40 00:03:01,327 --> 00:03:04,319 - Well? - It's a starship. 41 00:03:11,807 --> 00:03:16,164 This place is harder to get into than an airline chicken Kiev! 42 00:03:24,407 --> 00:03:28,639 It's the Leviathan, sir, a 23rd-century JMC supply ship. 43 00:03:28,807 --> 00:03:30,798 Engines are dead, power overload. 44 00:03:30,967 --> 00:03:34,960 Looks like they were running from something. Wait! I'm picking up a life sign. 45 00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:37,402 - Are you absolutely sure? - Certain. 46 00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:42,327 I've never seen anything like this! 47 00:03:42,487 --> 00:03:45,718 You weren't around for my last party, were you? 48 00:03:45,887 --> 00:03:50,403 Look at their twisted, tortured faces! The sheer blind terror. 49 00:03:50,607 --> 00:03:53,121 - (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! - What is it?! 50 00:03:53,327 --> 00:03:57,400 The back of my neck! Great big gob of ice water! 51 00:03:57,567 --> 00:04:01,355 It was horrible! Went right down into my crevice. 52 00:04:13,407 --> 00:04:15,398 Hey, guys, check this out! 53 00:04:16,367 --> 00:04:18,358 There's a woman in there! 54 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:22,282 Just locating her JMC ident chip. 55 00:04:24,967 --> 00:04:29,836 Caroline Carmen. According to the psi-scan, she was once a supply officer on Red Dwarf. 56 00:04:30,047 --> 00:04:33,437 I remember her. She got reposted at Titan. 57 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,677 - You knew her? - She fancied me. 58 00:04:35,887 --> 00:04:39,084 I don't believe you. A supply officer and you? 59 00:04:39,247 --> 00:04:45,083 She did, actually. In fact, me and Karen had a thing going there for a long time. 60 00:04:45,247 --> 00:04:46,805 Caroline. 61 00:04:46,967 --> 00:04:50,926 Caroline, yeah. Karen's my pet name for her. 62 00:04:51,087 --> 00:04:54,557 - I don't believe a word. - Caroline Carmen and me, believe it. 63 00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:57,480 Sexually, we were just so compatible. 64 00:04:57,647 --> 00:05:02,801 While I was dating her, the women in the quarters next door called her Carmen Moans. 65 00:05:02,967 --> 00:05:06,277 - You could ask her if she was alive. - She is, sir. 66 00:05:06,447 --> 00:05:08,961 The life sign is coming from this very spot. 67 00:05:09,167 --> 00:05:14,002 Is it? Well, she might not remember me immediately. She might have amnesia. 68 00:05:14,887 --> 00:05:17,606 - Amnesia? - Yeah, ice does that. Gives you amnesia. 69 00:05:17,767 --> 00:05:20,156 - Right, Kryts? - I don't recall hearing that, sir. 70 00:05:20,367 --> 00:05:22,358 See? It's affecting him already. 71 00:05:23,087 --> 00:05:25,681 OK, let's get her back to the Bug. 72 00:05:34,487 --> 00:05:37,638 I've begun water siphoning from the Leviathan. Any change here? 73 00:05:37,847 --> 00:05:42,079 No, bud. The ice won't melt, and this room's hotter than English beer. 74 00:05:42,247 --> 00:05:44,966 He's right. The temperature's been a constant 90 degrees, 75 00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:47,960 and yet she's still completely cold and unresponsive. 76 00:05:48,167 --> 00:05:50,317 What about Miss Carmen? 77 00:05:52,487 --> 00:05:54,523 I was talking about Miss Carmen. 78 00:05:54,727 --> 00:05:58,322 It's as if the body's generating the ice as protection. 79 00:05:58,487 --> 00:06:00,478 Maybe we should just laser it? 80 00:06:00,647 --> 00:06:04,845 Recommend we wait until chemical analysis is completed in the morning, sir. 81 00:06:05,007 --> 00:06:08,204 Hasty lasering could result in damage to the body. 82 00:06:08,407 --> 00:06:10,762 Do you really think she's still alive? 83 00:06:10,927 --> 00:06:12,246 She must be. 84 00:06:47,727 --> 00:06:49,285 Ah... 85 00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:06,804 Well, well, well... 86 00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:09,720 This is a bit of a turn-up. 87 00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:12,082 You just couldn't stay away, could you? 88 00:07:12,247 --> 00:07:14,238 Hey, what are you doing? 89 00:07:15,687 --> 00:07:17,678 (LAUGHS) 90 00:07:18,967 --> 00:07:21,435 And what makes you so sure I'm interested? 91 00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:25,282 You think you can just jump in my bed and I'm yours? 92 00:07:26,407 --> 00:07:29,956 Well, as it happens, you're right, but it was a close thing. 93 00:07:31,487 --> 00:07:35,844 Mmm. It's good to feel your sweet breath on my neck again. 94 00:07:36,007 --> 00:07:39,522 Smeg! It's Kryten! It's Kryten! 95 00:07:39,687 --> 00:07:42,565 Quick! Quick! In the shower! In the shower! 96 00:07:45,207 --> 00:07:46,606 (GROANS) 97 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,325 Smeg! 98 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,604 - Yeah. - Are you alone, sir? 99 00:07:55,807 --> 00:07:58,480 - Yeah. - I just thought I'd dust your quarters. 100 00:07:58,647 --> 00:08:02,481 - It's two o'clock in the morning! - This is an emergency dust, sir. 101 00:08:02,647 --> 00:08:06,845 My sensors have picked up vast quantities of dust in this region. 102 00:08:07,007 --> 00:08:10,443 - I'll take the risk, man! - I can't allow that, sir. 103 00:08:13,887 --> 00:08:16,640 Ah, double bed mode. Hmm... 104 00:08:16,807 --> 00:08:19,560 I'll just, ahem, dust inside your wardrobe... 105 00:08:22,327 --> 00:08:24,477 Under your spare bunk duvet... 106 00:08:25,847 --> 00:08:27,963 Hmm... In your other wardrobe... 107 00:08:29,727 --> 00:08:32,605 Kryten, man, I'm trying to get some kip! 108 00:08:32,767 --> 00:08:35,998 - She's here, isn't she? - I don't know what you mean. 109 00:08:36,207 --> 00:08:39,483 (SQUEALS) You promised you wouldn't like her more than me! 110 00:08:39,647 --> 00:08:42,241 Kryten, listen, um... 111 00:08:42,407 --> 00:08:45,877 - Look, it's like... - It's because she's got a better head. 112 00:08:46,087 --> 00:08:48,396 Not again, man. No! No! 113 00:08:48,607 --> 00:08:50,643 - It is! - I like your head! 114 00:08:50,847 --> 00:08:55,523 - Not as much as hers! - What? You've got a great head. 115 00:08:55,687 --> 00:09:01,557 It's attractive, it's functional, it's almost perfect for carving a Sunday roast! 116 00:09:03,607 --> 00:09:06,565 She's in the shower, isn't she? Isn't she? 117 00:09:06,727 --> 00:09:10,117 - Who? - Miss Kochanski! Who else? Madam Curie?! 118 00:09:10,287 --> 00:09:13,757 What is all this noise about? I can't sleep! 119 00:09:17,327 --> 00:09:18,840 Forgive me, sir. 120 00:09:19,007 --> 00:09:20,725 Shame mode. 121 00:09:20,887 --> 00:09:22,878 Excuse me, ma'am. 122 00:09:25,287 --> 00:09:27,801 How the hell did you do that? 123 00:09:27,967 --> 00:09:31,721 Of course! You slipped out through the vent shaft. Brilliant! 124 00:09:31,887 --> 00:09:34,355 - What? - You're a genius, an absolute genius! 125 00:09:34,527 --> 00:09:36,518 - What are you doing? - Unbuttoning your shirt. 126 00:09:36,687 --> 00:09:38,803 - Why? - We've got some unfinished business! 127 00:09:38,967 --> 00:09:41,845 That was a long time ago. Things are different! 128 00:09:42,007 --> 00:09:44,282 Look, he's gone. Don't worry about Kryten. 129 00:09:44,447 --> 00:09:47,280 Get your kit off. I'll find my Batman outfit. 130 00:09:47,447 --> 00:09:50,245 You really believe in being direct, don't you? 131 00:09:50,407 --> 00:09:53,717 Come on, rumpy-pumpy, Kris. Let's hit the springs! 132 00:09:56,687 --> 00:10:02,125 That's your idea of seduction, is it? Not if you were the last man alive. 133 00:10:02,287 --> 00:10:05,996 - I am the last man alive. - I rest my case. 134 00:10:08,527 --> 00:10:11,485 What did I do wrong? What? 135 00:10:13,527 --> 00:10:15,404 Oh, duvet... 136 00:10:20,247 --> 00:10:23,523 Oh, my God! Caroline! You've really let yourself go. 137 00:10:23,687 --> 00:10:28,078 You're like the before bit for about 900 Clearasil commercials! 138 00:10:29,727 --> 00:10:31,285 Sorry! 139 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:35,646 God! Ah! 140 00:10:44,807 --> 00:10:47,037 God! God! 141 00:10:47,207 --> 00:10:48,640 Are you all right, sir? 142 00:10:48,807 --> 00:10:52,277 I've just been molested by Tutankhamun's horny grandma! 143 00:10:52,447 --> 00:10:56,076 Of course I'm not smeggin' all right! Eurgh! The taste! 144 00:10:56,247 --> 00:10:59,364 I need to gargle with a Toilet Duck! 145 00:10:59,527 --> 00:11:05,124 She's dead, sir. And, curious, it appears she's been dead for three million years. 146 00:11:05,287 --> 00:11:09,997 If she's been dead for three million years, where did the life signs come from? 147 00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:14,399 Good point, sir. And more to the point, where did they go? 148 00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:16,559 (THUD) 149 00:11:18,527 --> 00:11:22,600 - I feel really lousy. - Probably just shock. Don't be a baby. 150 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:27,005 Miss Kochanski, ma'am, your bedside manner leaves something to be desired. 151 00:11:27,207 --> 00:11:30,358 - Like what? - Well, like a bedside manner! 152 00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:32,603 You think I'm a hypochondriac? 153 00:11:32,807 --> 00:11:37,927 You're a man, aren't you? You get the common cold and you think it's malaria. 154 00:11:38,087 --> 00:11:40,476 And women, of course, are different? 155 00:11:40,687 --> 00:11:43,565 They just have a different perspective on pain, Kryten. 156 00:11:43,727 --> 00:11:49,438 As would you if you had to pour hot wax on your crotch and rip out half your thatch. 157 00:11:49,647 --> 00:11:52,207 He's right. I hate doing that. 158 00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:54,875 - The tests are complete. - (LISTER) And? 159 00:11:55,047 --> 00:12:00,041 There's a foreign substance in your blood, and, well, I recognise the DNA, sir. 160 00:12:00,247 --> 00:12:03,478 - Is that good or bad? - It's the Epideme virus, sir. 161 00:12:03,647 --> 00:12:06,844 A man-made parasite created as a rival to the nicotine patch. 162 00:12:07,047 --> 00:12:12,246 Epideme was an intelligent organism, designed to block neural signals of nicotine craving, 163 00:12:12,407 --> 00:12:17,197 but it also blocked the signals telling the body it needed blood and oxygen. 164 00:12:17,407 --> 00:12:21,241 Is that why the Carmen chick looked like a centrefold from "Playzombie"? 165 00:12:21,447 --> 00:12:26,805 Precisely. It's virtually unstoppable. For the first 48 hours, it consumes its host, 166 00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:30,158 then hijacks the corpse and looks for a new victim. 167 00:12:30,327 --> 00:12:33,842 When it can't find one, it freezes the body and waits. 168 00:12:34,007 --> 00:12:38,000 - So the life signs on the Leviathan... - Didn't belong to Carmen, 169 00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:40,761 but to the parasite inhabiting her body... 170 00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:44,158 which passed to you the moment she... well... 171 00:12:44,367 --> 00:12:46,756 Slipped her mouth-meat down me gullet? 172 00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:50,322 I've been tongue-hockeyed to death! 173 00:12:50,487 --> 00:12:54,765 In 48 hours, I'll be deader than Saturday night in Salt Lake City! 174 00:12:54,927 --> 00:13:00,763 There is one option, sir. I believe you might have a chance if you, well... reason with it. 175 00:13:00,967 --> 00:13:04,357 - Reason with what? - The virus, sir. It is intelligent. 176 00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:08,765 Are your neural circuits picking up interference from the tumble-drier again? 177 00:13:08,967 --> 00:13:13,836 If we patch in the universal translator, it might be possible to talk to it. 178 00:13:14,007 --> 00:13:15,725 It's your only chance, sir. 179 00:13:16,847 --> 00:13:22,001 It's a long shot, but if we can reason with it, we might persuade it to leave. 180 00:13:22,167 --> 00:13:27,002 - Remember, be charming. - Be charming to my virus. Right. 181 00:13:29,567 --> 00:13:34,561 - Patching in the UT. - A great big "hi" to all of you out thereI 182 00:13:34,727 --> 00:13:37,116 Tonight, Dave Lister, vending machine sub-operative 183 00:13:37,287 --> 00:13:40,279 and spice food connoisseur, this is your deathI 184 00:13:41,167 --> 00:13:45,445 - Your line. - We're speaking with the Epideme virus? 185 00:13:45,647 --> 00:13:50,357 Give that man an eyebrowI Hey, I'm feeling generous. Give him twoI 186 00:13:50,527 --> 00:13:52,518 Maybe we should, um... Can I...? 187 00:13:52,727 --> 00:13:56,481 Dave, let's run down the rules. If you win, you live. 188 00:13:56,647 --> 00:14:01,675 If I win, you die - I take all your knowledge, when I kill you. 189 00:14:01,847 --> 00:14:04,520 You absorb knowledge from every person you kill? 190 00:14:04,727 --> 00:14:07,639 So killing you ain't exactly a career highlight. 191 00:14:07,807 --> 00:14:12,676 As a virus, there's not much call for knowing how to open a bottle with your anus. 192 00:14:14,327 --> 00:14:16,966 How can you justify killing another living being? 193 00:14:17,127 --> 00:14:22,838 How about that chicken you biryanied last night? How can you justify killing that? 194 00:14:23,007 --> 00:14:25,282 Me and the chicken, it was different. 195 00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:28,086 How's that, David? 196 00:14:28,247 --> 00:14:30,715 Well, I'm a person. It was a curry. 197 00:14:30,887 --> 00:14:36,007 He died so you could go on living. Is that so different from what I'm doing? 198 00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:39,364 Of course it is! Totally! I'm a human being. 199 00:14:39,527 --> 00:14:42,837 I have certain qualities that elevate me above poultry! 200 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:48,877 - I can think. I can play the guitar. - Better than a chicken? Are you crazy? 201 00:14:49,047 --> 00:14:52,244 We're losing, sir! You better move on to another subject. 202 00:14:52,447 --> 00:14:54,802 I'm the last guy alive! 203 00:14:55,007 --> 00:14:59,922 - That gives you more right to exist than me? - Well, yeah, because... 204 00:15:00,127 --> 00:15:03,676 Time for your species to check out, Davey. Arrivederci, humiesI 205 00:15:03,887 --> 00:15:05,684 Oh! 206 00:15:08,527 --> 00:15:11,246 David, come on. 207 00:15:11,447 --> 00:15:14,007 You've got a virus. It's fatal. It happens. 208 00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:16,158 Doesn't mean we can't be friends. 209 00:15:16,327 --> 00:15:18,318 Don't touch that dialI 210 00:15:19,967 --> 00:15:24,836 Sir, you know how you told us to work on a solution, no matter how drastic? 211 00:15:25,047 --> 00:15:28,244 - What have you got, Kryts? - A solution, but, er... 212 00:15:28,407 --> 00:15:29,726 - What? - It's too drastic. 213 00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:32,162 - Tell. - Well, what we thought was... 214 00:15:32,327 --> 00:15:34,636 - You see... - We want to cut off your arm. 215 00:15:34,847 --> 00:15:37,202 - What?! - I said it was a stupid idea! 216 00:15:37,367 --> 00:15:40,439 - It was your idea! - Are you saying I'm stupid? 217 00:15:42,327 --> 00:15:46,445 It's our only chance to save you. It could be worse. 218 00:15:46,647 --> 00:15:50,322 - I could be planning a career in archery? - You could be dead. 219 00:15:50,487 --> 00:15:53,081 You said you'd consider anything. This is it. 220 00:15:53,287 --> 00:15:59,442 Can I have some details? Something more inspiring than "Can I hack off your limb?" 221 00:15:59,647 --> 00:16:02,605 The plan is to inject anti-virals through your body, 222 00:16:02,807 --> 00:16:04,798 forcing Epideme into your arm. 223 00:16:04,967 --> 00:16:07,527 And then you cut it off. Great plan (!) 224 00:16:08,447 --> 00:16:10,438 What choice have I got? 225 00:16:10,647 --> 00:16:16,836 OK, but make it my left arm, OK? 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things. 226 00:16:17,047 --> 00:16:19,959 - OK, sir. - Let's go! Chop-chop! 227 00:16:20,127 --> 00:16:21,640 Sorry. 228 00:16:23,807 --> 00:16:25,206 (WHIZZING) 229 00:16:27,007 --> 00:16:28,998 Injecting anti-virals. 230 00:16:30,047 --> 00:16:33,801 OK, virus heading north. Grid coordinate 109.4. 231 00:16:34,007 --> 00:16:38,364 - The pancreas. - 104.2, on my mark. Mark. 232 00:16:38,527 --> 00:16:42,156 And heading for the left shoulder, 309.0. No, no, no, no! 233 00:16:42,327 --> 00:16:45,444 308! 308! It's heading away from his left arm. 234 00:16:45,647 --> 00:16:51,358 406.9... 406.8... 406.5... Virus heading into his right arm. 235 00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:55,196 The right arm! It's our only chance. Laser bone-saw, sir, quickly! 236 00:16:55,367 --> 00:16:57,358 Amputation mode - cut and cauterise! 237 00:16:58,367 --> 00:17:00,437 (HISSES) 238 00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:06,758 It's not enough. 239 00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:11,478 Still not enough. 240 00:17:13,007 --> 00:17:14,998 Still not enough! 241 00:17:15,847 --> 00:17:17,838 Still not enough. 242 00:17:18,727 --> 00:17:22,402 OK, that's enough. If this doesn't work, we're out of options. 243 00:17:22,607 --> 00:17:27,886 Whether it works or not, I'll never touch barbecue wings again! 244 00:17:40,687 --> 00:17:42,166 Aaah! 245 00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:44,519 He's awake! 246 00:17:44,687 --> 00:17:47,406 My left arm... My left arm, I said! 247 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:51,606 That's my right. What kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right? 248 00:17:51,807 --> 00:17:54,446 We did our best. I am so sorry. 249 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:59,123 - Where is it? - We flushed it into space. We had to. 250 00:17:59,327 --> 00:18:02,637 Oh, my right arm. I did everything with that arm. 251 00:18:02,807 --> 00:18:06,356 We were inseparable! At least, I thought we were. 252 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:10,320 - Mr Lister, sir, you're awake! - Buddy, you look great! 253 00:18:14,847 --> 00:18:19,284 Oh... You did what you had to do to save my life. 254 00:18:19,487 --> 00:18:21,603 (WHINES) 255 00:18:21,807 --> 00:18:23,957 You haven't saved my life. 256 00:18:24,167 --> 00:18:28,206 Seven per cent of Epideme's virions have got back into your body. 257 00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:30,437 They're currently multiplying exponentially. 258 00:18:30,647 --> 00:18:36,404 So, to sum up - all's I've got to look forward to now is death, zombification 259 00:18:36,567 --> 00:18:39,365 and a quick after-death snog with you or the Cat? 260 00:18:39,527 --> 00:18:43,076 I've given my arm - my arm - for nothing? 261 00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:45,556 Not nothing, sir! Based on my calculations, 262 00:18:45,727 --> 00:18:48,958 it's bought you approximately 58 minutes more life. 263 00:18:49,127 --> 00:18:54,247 - What am I gonna do with 58 minutes? - Have half a juggling lesson? 264 00:18:54,407 --> 00:18:56,398 You're really not helping. 265 00:19:19,847 --> 00:19:22,361 Kryten, he doesn't like them like that. 266 00:19:22,567 --> 00:19:25,843 Ma'am, I've been with Mr Lister for many years now. 267 00:19:26,047 --> 00:19:30,199 I don't need some judy-come-lately advising me on his sleeping arrangements. 268 00:19:30,407 --> 00:19:35,765 In my dimension, I cohabited with him. I know what makes him happy in bed. 269 00:19:37,407 --> 00:19:40,763 So do I. A large packet of extra-spicy tortilla chips 270 00:19:40,927 --> 00:19:46,445 and a really good horror movie, preferably featuring kung-fu-fighting lady vampires. 271 00:19:46,647 --> 00:19:49,878 Hey! Old five-fingers has checked out! 272 00:19:50,087 --> 00:19:54,399 - Oh, my God! You mean... - No, not dead. Checked out. He's gone. 273 00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:58,799 And about 40 pounds of Incinerex blasting plastic has gone missing. 274 00:20:00,887 --> 00:20:03,959 - You think there could be a connection? - Come on! 275 00:20:14,607 --> 00:20:18,043 - What are you doing? - I'm just popping down the corner shop. 276 00:20:18,207 --> 00:20:20,596 - Does anyone want anything? - Sir, come back. 277 00:20:20,767 --> 00:20:23,281 There's no point returning to the Leviathan. 278 00:20:23,487 --> 00:20:27,685 It's the only way, Kryten. Get back over there, detonate this stuff 279 00:20:27,847 --> 00:20:30,042 and destroy all traces of the virus. 280 00:20:30,207 --> 00:20:33,756 - At least it won't get to kill me. - Dave, close the airlock. 281 00:20:33,927 --> 00:20:36,885 - What you're doing is insane. - She's right. 282 00:20:37,087 --> 00:20:41,285 You've screwed up the ping-pong tournament. You gonna mess up the yo-yo championships? 283 00:20:41,447 --> 00:20:46,362 Dave, don't! If you go, I'll never speak to you again as long as you... 284 00:20:46,567 --> 00:20:49,445 Oh, my God! Just how stupid am I? 285 00:20:49,607 --> 00:20:52,917 - According to my calculations, ma'am... - Kryten, shut up! 286 00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,687 Hey, baby, what's this? The Christmas special? 287 00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:10,645 That's right, man, yeah! Look what I got you - 40 pounds of Incinerex. 288 00:21:10,847 --> 00:21:13,839 It's macho, but it's not you. Get what I'm sayin'? 289 00:21:14,047 --> 00:21:18,199 Let's set the timer for five minutes, shall we? 290 00:21:18,407 --> 00:21:21,160 Er, Dave, hellooo? 291 00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:23,927 (KRYTEN ON RADIO) Leviathan? Come in, sir. 292 00:21:24,087 --> 00:21:27,363 Kryten, get Starbug away from hereI You've got five minutes. 293 00:21:27,567 --> 00:21:32,561 Dave, listen to me. Dave - my Dave - had a saying... 294 00:21:32,727 --> 00:21:35,366 Even the word "hopeless" has "hope" in it. 295 00:21:36,807 --> 00:21:38,798 Maybe you had to be there? 296 00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:41,805 - What did that mean? - You can't give up! 297 00:21:43,207 --> 00:21:48,679 I'm dead already. Use your eyes. I look worse than the Grim Reaper's passport photo. 298 00:21:49,567 --> 00:21:53,196 Give us more time. The medicomp might still find an antidote. 299 00:21:53,407 --> 00:21:57,958 There's no point. Look, I haven't made a will, but, Kris... 300 00:21:58,167 --> 00:22:02,558 under my bunk... I want you to have the collection of songs I wrote about you. 301 00:22:02,727 --> 00:22:05,002 - Collection? - Well, three. 302 00:22:05,167 --> 00:22:07,840 There's only two things that rhyme with "Kochanski". 303 00:22:08,007 --> 00:22:10,840 I used "underpantski" twice. 304 00:22:11,047 --> 00:22:17,156 Kryten, to you I leave all my laundry. Hey, keep it clean for me, man. 305 00:22:17,367 --> 00:22:19,927 Oh, sir... you're too generous. 306 00:22:21,607 --> 00:22:26,237 Cat, you can have anything you want from my wardrobe. 307 00:22:26,447 --> 00:22:30,201 I can? Great! I need some hangers! 308 00:22:35,927 --> 00:22:37,997 60 seconds left, Epideme. 309 00:22:38,167 --> 00:22:42,843 Dave, your heart says blow but your brain says no. 310 00:22:43,007 --> 00:22:48,798 You're no quitter. The crew of this ship searched for a solution right until the endI 311 00:22:48,967 --> 00:22:51,083 - They never gave up. - They didn't? 312 00:22:51,247 --> 00:22:55,684 Hell, noI They even overloaded their engines. 313 00:22:55,847 --> 00:22:59,840 So sad... because they were so near. 314 00:23:00,047 --> 00:23:04,677 So near. They weren't running FROM something but TO something. 315 00:23:11,007 --> 00:23:12,565 Son of a gun! 316 00:23:14,127 --> 00:23:16,880 Kryten, man, change of plan! 317 00:23:26,447 --> 00:23:28,483 Sir, I've been meaning to ask, 318 00:23:28,647 --> 00:23:31,798 as you retain specialist knowledge from each of your victims, 319 00:23:31,967 --> 00:23:37,564 and as we have no gripe, I was wondering if you'd fill in some gaps in my knowledge? 320 00:23:37,727 --> 00:23:42,755 Sure. ShootI I'm red hot in quantum mechanics, molecular biology and TV themes. 321 00:23:42,927 --> 00:23:45,043 Ask me anything. 322 00:23:45,247 --> 00:23:47,442 Very well. 323 00:23:47,607 --> 00:23:52,044 One thing I've always wanted to know, who on earth was the fourth Marx brother? 324 00:23:52,247 --> 00:23:55,717 Zippo. EasyI Ask me a hard one. 325 00:23:55,927 --> 00:24:01,240 - A hard one? - A HAAAAAAAARD one! Yeeeaah! 326 00:24:02,407 --> 00:24:07,606 Very well. How could Starbug's drive module be reconfigured to be made more efficient? 327 00:24:09,327 --> 00:24:11,443 (INHALES) Re-route the pulse relays via conductors 328 00:24:11,607 --> 00:24:16,123 and transpose all prime numbers to the energy equation. (EXHALES) 329 00:24:16,327 --> 00:24:20,400 - And that would make Starbug more efficient? - 300 per cent fasterI 330 00:24:20,607 --> 00:24:25,886 That's all we needed to know. The Leviathan was heading for Delta 7 for the Epideme cure, 331 00:24:26,047 --> 00:24:28,515 but by the time we got there, I'd be dead. 332 00:24:28,727 --> 00:24:31,685 Unless we could make the ship go faster. 333 00:24:31,847 --> 00:24:35,726 - And now we can. - Well, I'll be a son-of-a-bacteriaI 334 00:24:47,127 --> 00:24:51,598 - How are we doing? - Like a speeding bullet in a bat outta hell! 335 00:24:51,807 --> 00:24:53,559 Going into orbit right now. 336 00:24:56,047 --> 00:24:58,038 Scanning surface... 337 00:24:59,047 --> 00:25:01,242 - Oh, my God! - What is it? 338 00:25:01,447 --> 00:25:03,597 The planet. It's been flamed. 339 00:25:03,767 --> 00:25:09,558 There's nothing down there! Not a building, not a plant... Nothing. 340 00:25:16,767 --> 00:25:20,555 - You knew. - I had to make Dave think there was hope. 341 00:25:20,767 --> 00:25:23,600 The planet was flamed to get rid of me, 342 00:25:23,767 --> 00:25:26,645 but I'd already left in a medical engineer, 343 00:25:26,807 --> 00:25:30,277 who then made a house call to the LeviathanI 344 00:25:37,167 --> 00:25:39,442 - How's it going? - Life signs almost gone, sir. 345 00:25:39,607 --> 00:25:43,520 And in tomorrow's episode, Kris Kochanski has a nasty turn 346 00:25:43,687 --> 00:25:46,326 when Dave, her hilarious decomposing boyfriend, 347 00:25:46,487 --> 00:25:50,605 returns from the grave to infect her with a wacky but charismatic virus. 348 00:25:50,767 --> 00:25:53,918 Until then, goodnight. 349 00:25:54,087 --> 00:25:57,796 (HUMS "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN") 350 00:25:59,207 --> 00:26:00,686 (CACKLES) 351 00:26:00,887 --> 00:26:05,438 OK, last roll of the dice. Dave, I'm gonna stop your heart, OK? 352 00:26:05,647 --> 00:26:08,798 - (BOTH) What!? - It's the last chance to save you. OK? 353 00:26:09,007 --> 00:26:11,885 You'll stop Epideme killing me by killing me? 354 00:26:12,087 --> 00:26:14,237 I'll take that as a yes. 355 00:26:16,687 --> 00:26:18,086 Is he...? 356 00:26:18,247 --> 00:26:22,240 Dead? Yes, ma'am! Careful, Miss Kochanski, don't get too close to him! 357 00:26:22,447 --> 00:26:24,756 (EPIDEME CACKLES) 358 00:26:25,767 --> 00:26:30,363 The Epideme virus has transferred to you! It's infected your hand! 359 00:26:30,527 --> 00:26:32,995 The showbiz news today - as expected, 360 00:26:33,167 --> 00:26:37,843 the long-running virus Epideme has been renewed for another seasonI 361 00:26:38,047 --> 00:26:40,800 Wrong, bug-head! You're axed! 362 00:26:40,967 --> 00:26:43,037 NoI NoI NoI 363 00:26:43,207 --> 00:26:45,277 (SCREAMS) 364 00:26:48,047 --> 00:26:51,084 Oh, my God! Did you see that?! 365 00:26:51,247 --> 00:26:53,442 She...! She...! 366 00:26:57,447 --> 00:27:00,325 Miss Kochanski, ma'am! What...?! I mean, what...?! 367 00:27:00,487 --> 00:27:02,523 Have you gone completely insane?! 368 00:27:02,687 --> 00:27:04,678 - Kryten! - Huh! 369 00:27:04,887 --> 00:27:08,562 It was Caroline Carmen's. I injected it with blood and adrenaline. 370 00:27:10,927 --> 00:27:13,043 That really is quite extraordinary. 371 00:27:13,207 --> 00:27:18,679 I had you down as a bit of a madam, but I have to eat my words. 372 00:27:18,847 --> 00:27:21,486 I mean, you do annoy me in some ways... 373 00:27:21,647 --> 00:27:24,207 MR LISTER!! 374 00:27:27,807 --> 00:27:29,798 (MUTTERS HYSTERICALLY) 375 00:27:31,207 --> 00:27:32,686 Clear! 376 00:27:33,567 --> 00:27:35,876 Clear! Clear! 377 00:27:36,047 --> 00:27:38,003 (COUGHS) 378 00:27:39,127 --> 00:27:41,641 Ohh... Whoa... Where have I been? 379 00:27:42,487 --> 00:27:45,206 For the last few minutes, sir, you've been dead. 380 00:27:45,407 --> 00:27:47,204 - Wow! - How did it feel? 381 00:27:47,367 --> 00:27:49,358 Ever been to Swindon? 382 00:27:50,647 --> 00:27:52,956 - What's that for? - For not staying dead! 383 00:27:57,447 --> 00:27:59,039 Germs. 384 00:28:02,767 --> 00:28:06,157 there's no kind of atmosphere 385 00:28:06,327 --> 00:28:09,603 386 00:28:09,767 --> 00:28:12,918 387 00:28:13,087 --> 00:28:15,681 388 00:28:15,847 --> 00:28:19,476 389 00:28:19,647 --> 00:28:22,957 390 00:28:23,127 --> 00:28:26,278 391 00:28:26,447 --> 00:28:29,644 392 00:28:29,807 --> 00:28:32,446 393 00:28:32,607 --> 00:28:36,236 394 00:28:36,407 --> 00:28:39,080 395 00:28:39,247 --> 00:28:43,286